from my box room: July 20th 22.44pm

Starting to feel stronger daily – though still very tired. No sign of neutrophils regenerating yet – but they reckon something should start moving by Friday – I hope so, as I am walking round the place feeling very “unprotected” I really need those white solider cells to get back into line and start doing what they should be doing. My liver problem still around, though responding to antibiotics. Seems it may be something called Veno Occulsive (?) Disease – which is a direct result of the chemo – blocking veins and bile duct of liver. I am waiting to see if I have to have a liver biopsy to confirm this diagnosis – but they cant do it yet as have 0 neutrophils, and the procedure would be too dangerous, but if confirmed then that will require a change of chemo cocktails. God it all sounds very complicated. I feel like I am being held together by antibiotics at the moment. A very delicate balancing act. I am having 4 different lots of iv antibiotics daily. Which means I am virtually married to the bleeping machine. Me and my bloody shadow! Finally the horror of everything is beginning to dawn – this week for the first time, it has started to sink in that I have got cancer – up until now I have always felt very disengaged / distant from the whole scenario – as if it has been something happening separate to me. But the daily reminded of chemo-head staring back at me in the mirror has forced me to take it on board. It doesn’t sit very comfortably. The thing that always happens to somebody else, has suddenly happened to me. I swing from being practical and pragmatic to feeling great dark terrors. I want everything to be ordinary, “as before”, but it isn’t. “as before” has been snatched away. My comfort zone bubble has been burst – and I am feeling the full force of the unknown whipping around me. Leaves me feeling naked, vulnerable and pretty damn scared. Too many “what if’s” lurking in my head. Its very easy to cave in and let the terrors run riot… “Bugger off” me thinks.