Tuesday, 20 July 2010

from my box room: July 20th 22.44pm

Starting to feel stronger daily – though still very tired. No sign of neutrophils regenerating yet – but they reckon something should start moving by Friday – I hope so, as I am walking round the place feeling very “unprotected” I really need those white solider cells to get back into line and start doing what they should be doing. My liver problem still around, though responding to antibiotics. Seems it may be something called Veno Occulsive (?) Disease – which is a direct result of the chemo – blocking veins and bile duct of liver. I am waiting to see if I have to have a liver biopsy to confirm this diagnosis – but they cant do it yet as have 0 neutrophils, and the procedure would be too dangerous, but if confirmed then that will require a change of chemo cocktails. God it all sounds very complicated. I feel like I am being held together by antibiotics at the moment. A very delicate balancing act. I am having 4 different lots of iv antibiotics daily. Which means I am virtually married to the bleeping machine. Me and my bloody shadow! Finally the horror of everything is beginning to dawn – this week for the first time, it has started to sink in that I have got cancer – up until now I have always felt very disengaged / distant from the whole scenario – as if it has been something happening separate to me. But the daily reminded of chemo-head staring back at me in the mirror has forced me to take it on board. It doesn’t sit very comfortably. The thing that always happens to somebody else, has suddenly happened to me. I swing from being practical and pragmatic to feeling great dark terrors. I want everything to be ordinary, “as before”, but it isn’t. “as before” has been snatched away. My comfort zone bubble has been burst – and I am feeling the full force of the unknown whipping around me. Leaves me feeling naked, vulnerable and pretty damn scared. Too many “what if’s” lurking in my head. Its very easy to cave in and let the terrors run riot… “Bugger off” me thinks.

8 comments:

  1. Dear Tessa
    I just received word from Simon Goode that you weren't feeling too well (understatement by me). Gosh Tessa. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and about all the lovely things you taught me and I wish you the very very best in this tough time. And if there is anything that I could possibly do then just please ask me.
    I will follow your progress now I know you are here in the blog-0-sphere
    Love & Love
    from
    Louise Best
    {*}

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  2. Ciao Bella, I wish I could give you a big hug and make it all 'as before' you are strong and much loved, you will get through this, you have to - we miss you and need you back.

    I will try to see you before the weekend but don't worry we are ready to sell sell sell xxxxxxxx

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  3. Thinking of you always and sending you positive vibes to defeat this unsolicited and temporary excursion in your life. Womad coming up domani so still failing to get Luigi out.. a lot going on hereabouts.. Latest bright news is that we are grandparents again - Jude and Siobhan have produced - Rosie Glynis Farmer- a girl in this half of the family- already. At 8lb 3 oz - almost as heavy as Gabriel after 6 weeks. Ouch!!
    Can I come visit? Missing you.xx

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  4. tessa dear, trying once more to enter in your blog with the help from some friends........g e a

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  5. tessa dear, trying once more to enter in your blog with the help from some friends........g e a

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  6. I wish I could hug you. That's what Americans do, you know? All the best, my dear.

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  7. those of us in the 'as before' state don't have the insight into how fragile that is and how easy for that to be 'snatched away'. hope you got the ET notes and that they helped you feel ordinary again. tilly, kellie and i went to a nice new pub place in east dulwich. think it is called the victorian inn in bellenden road. i had beer battered haddock and chips with that aioli dip and a coupe of carafs of rose. if you need the south east london crew to break you out anytime let us know – can we feed you chips up into the box room?

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  8. Friday night in Norfolk - tuned into the blog and (as all your friends) wish I could do something useful. Hope you have had some good news about the little soldier cells. I am daily cheered by the beautiful art you have produced that is all over my house and reminds me of you. See you soon

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